I don't often get spam (or any other email) in my jyoru1211@gmail.com address, and was surprised to find a message entitled 'Dearest' in my inbox, from someone I don't know and who may well not exist at all. I simply *must* reply to this email with my bank account information and other sensitive data, because I believe every word.
"My dearest," she writes, "I am writing this mail with tears and sadness and pains. I know it will come to you as a suprise since we haven't known or come across each other before, but kindly bear with me at this moment."
-Okay, I'm bearing with you. I am also 'lion-ing' and 'tiger-ing' with you. Here's to hoping that we never 'know' or 'come across' each other, ever.
"I have a special reason why I decided to contact you. My situation at hand is miserable but I trust in God and hope you will be of my help."
-*Not* out of the ordinary. Buy me a beer sometime and I'll tell you how miserable my 'situation at hand' is.
'She' goes on to say that she is the 25-year-old daughter of Ibrahim Baré Maïnassara, the fallen Nigerian president. 'She' includes a link to a BBC story regarding that assassination. 'Her' stepmother was cruel enough to steal away 'her' passport and "other valuable documents" but luckily 'she' was able to hold on to some sensitive information regarding a great amount of 'her' 'father's' capital.
"I am seeking for longterm relationship and investment assistance."
-Listen, lady, no longterm relationship. Friends-with-benefits, maybe. Investment assistance? Gimme all your money.
She proceeds with the unlikely story of needing my bank information to transfer an ungodly sum into my account. Followed by: "Therefore, I decide to seek for your help in transferring the money into your bank account while I will relocate to your country and settle down with you."
-Whoa, stop right there. You are seeking for longterm relationship and you'll settle down with me? Just give me the freakin' money already and forget this other stuff.
"I have my fathers death certificate and the account number which I will give you as soon as you indicated your interest to help me."
-Good to know that a death certificate has an account number. As for indicating my interest, yep, I'm interested, so give me the account number already.
"It is my intention to compensate you with 20% of the total money for your assitance and the balance shall be my investment in any profitable venture which you will recommend to me as have no any idea about foreign investment."
-My 'assitance' is worth more than 20%. It is pretty clear that you have no any idea about foreign investment, or conventions of the English language.
"I will send you my photos in my next email."
-That will assist me in my decision of whether we should have longterm relationship and settle down.
I have no reservations about sending my bank account number, Social Security Number, and measurements to this person. Anybody have any reason why I shouldn't? It sounds so believable...
And furthermore, is anyone out there really dumb enough to believe this shit?
I love Kayo Aiko, with a passion. That is all.